Well today was a hard one. I am missing so much back home and it's all starting to hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby sister is pregnant with her first child and I can't be there. Our skype has been down for a couple weeks and I am feeling really disconnected. Today my family back home went to the Christmas parade that I love going to every year. It was harder than Thanksgiving because there was nothing going on over here to distract me. I had a big fight with my husband and it has been a very exhausting day. I think my son is trying to say anything that will hurt me today. Do you ever just want to escape everything?
Big thanks to Stan for the flowers. You are my life!
Sorry for the lack of words today. I just don't have it in me right now but I wanted to write a bit.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
On Sunday we took the train into Sydney for family day. We found out the trains in the city circle were closed, so we had to get off at Town Hall and walk to Circular Quay. Well I wasn't happy with the walking as I had worn thongs and walking in them was not easy. I didn't plan that one out very well. So, in feeling like I had no control, I got irritated with Stan for not wanting to take the bus. We had an argument for half of the walk and then worked it out. I think we really need some space.
All was well when we boarded the ferry to Manly. (My favourite thing) We had to sit inside on the way over because it was really crowded. The windows are nice and clear though so we could see everything. The only thing missing was the wind in our hair, so we got the best seats outside on the way back.
We tried to take our own picture in front of the harbour bridge which was admittedly kind of manipulative. A sweet man offered to take it for us, as we knew he would. Zac was looking downwards but it will have to do for Christmas cards.
Yesterday I went to my first book club meeting ever. I never thought of myself as a book club sort, but it really did wonders for me. I feel like I am learning and keeping my brain stimulated which hasn't happened in a long time for me. While I love being mommy, and watching the world through my beautiful boy's fresh eyes, I feel like I am stuck in a rut at times. There is only so many cartoons you can watch before feeling like you want to bang your head into a brick wall. Book club not only brings me back into the adult world, but it gives me a way to feel connected to people outside home. On top of that, they are also Americans living here in Oz! I had a lot of fun last night, and plan to read the next book and keep attending.
Things are looking up I think. Stan's got a job prospect in the Australia post, which I think will be so much better than Franklins. He won't have to work late or on weekends. I hope that it leads to something full time, so he can quit Franklins and we can get off the new start. Then we can look into getting our own place. I think once we get our own place I will feel like myself again. It's super hard for me not to have control over my environment. I want to have a set schedule, and do things in order. I think it helps me as a parent, and just works for me. I don't have that luxury here. I know this time here has taught me not to take that for granted anymore.
All was well when we boarded the ferry to Manly. (My favourite thing) We had to sit inside on the way over because it was really crowded. The windows are nice and clear though so we could see everything. The only thing missing was the wind in our hair, so we got the best seats outside on the way back.
We tried to take our own picture in front of the harbour bridge which was admittedly kind of manipulative. A sweet man offered to take it for us, as we knew he would. Zac was looking downwards but it will have to do for Christmas cards.
Yesterday I went to my first book club meeting ever. I never thought of myself as a book club sort, but it really did wonders for me. I feel like I am learning and keeping my brain stimulated which hasn't happened in a long time for me. While I love being mommy, and watching the world through my beautiful boy's fresh eyes, I feel like I am stuck in a rut at times. There is only so many cartoons you can watch before feeling like you want to bang your head into a brick wall. Book club not only brings me back into the adult world, but it gives me a way to feel connected to people outside home. On top of that, they are also Americans living here in Oz! I had a lot of fun last night, and plan to read the next book and keep attending.
Things are looking up I think. Stan's got a job prospect in the Australia post, which I think will be so much better than Franklins. He won't have to work late or on weekends. I hope that it leads to something full time, so he can quit Franklins and we can get off the new start. Then we can look into getting our own place. I think once we get our own place I will feel like myself again. It's super hard for me not to have control over my environment. I want to have a set schedule, and do things in order. I think it helps me as a parent, and just works for me. I don't have that luxury here. I know this time here has taught me not to take that for granted anymore.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Well I don't even know how to access my own feelings today. I feel like I want to stay in bed and not talk to anyone. It kind of scares me to be honest because I really used to feel like a person who was good at talking things out. Now i feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I am trying to fit into where I am but I feel like I am just causing more problems for everyone and not adding anything to the family. I can't make any decisions anymore, and I feel like I am 8 years old. I don't have the skills or the insight to make any of this better. I don't feel like there is a safe place to air my emotions, because I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to giggle, and be silly, and have fun. I can't do that if I am unable to even have a simple conversation.
Nothing that has happened has felt like it got REALLY solved. I can see the good side of just putting things past, but it's making me feel incomplete. I can't complete a thought or action. I feel lousy most of the time, I feel disconnected from the person who I love the most in life, and I feel like I am the cause of all of it. I know I have shame and I am trying to figure out how not to let it get the best of me, but I am going down in flames here.
Shame is different from guilt in that it makes you feel like you are worthless, and less of a person than anyone else. Guilt is when you feel bad about something you've DONE but you don't think it is a flaw in your basic being. When someone ignores me, it's not something I can shrug off. When someone treats me like I am nothing, or even inadvertantly fails to acknowledge me, it confirms something in my head that has already told me I am not worth loving. I had mostly gotten over the shame when we were back in the states. It is back full force now that we're here and struggling. I wish I knew how to fix it.
That doesn't give anyone the right to belittle how I am feeling, but maybe can provide an understanding as to my reactions.
Nothing that has happened has felt like it got REALLY solved. I can see the good side of just putting things past, but it's making me feel incomplete. I can't complete a thought or action. I feel lousy most of the time, I feel disconnected from the person who I love the most in life, and I feel like I am the cause of all of it. I know I have shame and I am trying to figure out how not to let it get the best of me, but I am going down in flames here.
Shame is different from guilt in that it makes you feel like you are worthless, and less of a person than anyone else. Guilt is when you feel bad about something you've DONE but you don't think it is a flaw in your basic being. When someone ignores me, it's not something I can shrug off. When someone treats me like I am nothing, or even inadvertantly fails to acknowledge me, it confirms something in my head that has already told me I am not worth loving. I had mostly gotten over the shame when we were back in the states. It is back full force now that we're here and struggling. I wish I knew how to fix it.
That doesn't give anyone the right to belittle how I am feeling, but maybe can provide an understanding as to my reactions.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Anger Management
This post has been deleted because while it wasn't intended to make anyone feel like I was attacking them, it did. I sincerely apologize for that.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Laundry and Other Housewifey Things.
So today I am doing laundry and I thought I would enlighten those of you in America, and Oz about the differences between our 2 wonderful countries. The major difference is that here in Oz, barely anyone has a dryer. All clothes are hung out on the line to dry and if they are wrinkly, well you have to break out the iron. I could never figure out why my dear husband told me his mum did so much ironing. It is STILL something I won't do if I can get out of it. There are spiders on the clothes line, but they are small and easily dealt with. I am also still dealing with the fact that you have to get it done before it gets dark, or it won't dry properly. So there's the negative of the whole thing. You would think there'd be more, but really there isn't. The laundry smells so fresh and wonderful when you dry it outside, and it's actually kind of like a meditation for me when I hang it out. Plus I play this game where I try and see how fast and efficiently I can hang each item. Yeah life is great when you can be a nut! Another positive is that you don't waste energy or have to pay a bill for your laundry to get dry. I think if we have a dryer in our future flat, i will avoid using it unless it's raining or dark out.
Another part of housewifery is cleaning. Now some of the differences I experience here are just differences between me and his mum. One difference that is something cultural I've heard is they do not rinse the soap off of their dishes when washing. The kitchen only has one basin in its sink, and when it is full of soapy water, there is no place to rinse. Luckily I have come over here in a time where Mum has a soap filled sponge so rinsing is possible. I think that would be very hard on my tummy, had I have come when that business was going on!
Now comes the part about cooking. This was the thing I avoided the longest when I first got here, as my dear mother in law and I are both pretty picky about what we eat. I love pasta and anything with cheese in it, and I am really picky about the meat I eat because I do not like fat. She HATES pasta and cooks meat until it is dead twice over. I have figured out a few things I can make that we all like, so that is going okay. Cooking is done more often over here than in America because they don't really have anything like Applebee's, or TGI Fridays, or Chilli's to eat at. You can get takeout at about 3 places every block, and that's reasonable, but if you are going to go eat at a restaurant, you better be willing to fork out some cash, and it better be a special occasion.
My Aussies here love their meat pies and chips. They also love Chinese food, which is different from our American Chinese food. They call eggrolls spring rolls here. "fried rice" is just boiled rice with some veggies in it and maybe some shrimp ("prawns") or chicken. I am assuming we are closer to China here than in America, but I find myself wondering which place is more authentic? I guess we will have to go to China and see.
Being closer to Mexico, America has better Mexican food. I gotta tell you, I miss my cheese, but I am hoping without it, I can lose some weight. The Mexican places here say "QuesadiLLa with an L sound instead of a Y type sound the way we are taught in America. When I say it, I get corrected here!
Anyway, I have to get going as Mum is in a mood for a pizza and I have to take advantage of that!
See ya later!
Another part of housewifery is cleaning. Now some of the differences I experience here are just differences between me and his mum. One difference that is something cultural I've heard is they do not rinse the soap off of their dishes when washing. The kitchen only has one basin in its sink, and when it is full of soapy water, there is no place to rinse. Luckily I have come over here in a time where Mum has a soap filled sponge so rinsing is possible. I think that would be very hard on my tummy, had I have come when that business was going on!
Now comes the part about cooking. This was the thing I avoided the longest when I first got here, as my dear mother in law and I are both pretty picky about what we eat. I love pasta and anything with cheese in it, and I am really picky about the meat I eat because I do not like fat. She HATES pasta and cooks meat until it is dead twice over. I have figured out a few things I can make that we all like, so that is going okay. Cooking is done more often over here than in America because they don't really have anything like Applebee's, or TGI Fridays, or Chilli's to eat at. You can get takeout at about 3 places every block, and that's reasonable, but if you are going to go eat at a restaurant, you better be willing to fork out some cash, and it better be a special occasion.
My Aussies here love their meat pies and chips. They also love Chinese food, which is different from our American Chinese food. They call eggrolls spring rolls here. "fried rice" is just boiled rice with some veggies in it and maybe some shrimp ("prawns") or chicken. I am assuming we are closer to China here than in America, but I find myself wondering which place is more authentic? I guess we will have to go to China and see.
Being closer to Mexico, America has better Mexican food. I gotta tell you, I miss my cheese, but I am hoping without it, I can lose some weight. The Mexican places here say "QuesadiLLa with an L sound instead of a Y type sound the way we are taught in America. When I say it, I get corrected here!
Anyway, I have to get going as Mum is in a mood for a pizza and I have to take advantage of that!
See ya later!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
No More Novelty
So when we came to visit last year, I only had a slight taste of what this side of the world was like. I saw only the fun, vacation side of how everything works. There was no laundry because my mother in law and sister in law did it. It wasn't our house, so we didn't have to cook dinner or buy toilet paper.
This time around, we have to worry about how our son is going to deal with being constantly given everything he wants and how to tell nanny that as much as we love her and understand she wants to spoil her first grandchild, it just doesn't work when we are together 24/7. We know she means well, and deserves to have the time with him, but he's always been such a polite boy, and we know what we are doing as parentsm the proof is in his personality.
I knew this would be tough on me. Afterall, I have left everything I know and everyone whom I have relied on my entire life to start this new life here. What I did NOT know or expect, was how hard it would be for Stan to fit back into a family that has functioned in its way without him now for 6 years. They knew him as a single guy who didn't have much to worry about. He had to go to work, but other than that, had very few worries. I have likened it to when I went to college, and came back more independent and grown up. My parents and I butted heads then. Now my poor hubby is not only butting heads himself, but also has to stand by me and my decisions, which people here are not used to.
There are so many beautiful things about this country, and I know I will be so thankful for this adventure, but for now, we are still in the transition period until we can get our own place!
This time around, we have to worry about how our son is going to deal with being constantly given everything he wants and how to tell nanny that as much as we love her and understand she wants to spoil her first grandchild, it just doesn't work when we are together 24/7. We know she means well, and deserves to have the time with him, but he's always been such a polite boy, and we know what we are doing as parentsm the proof is in his personality.
I knew this would be tough on me. Afterall, I have left everything I know and everyone whom I have relied on my entire life to start this new life here. What I did NOT know or expect, was how hard it would be for Stan to fit back into a family that has functioned in its way without him now for 6 years. They knew him as a single guy who didn't have much to worry about. He had to go to work, but other than that, had very few worries. I have likened it to when I went to college, and came back more independent and grown up. My parents and I butted heads then. Now my poor hubby is not only butting heads himself, but also has to stand by me and my decisions, which people here are not used to.
There are so many beautiful things about this country, and I know I will be so thankful for this adventure, but for now, we are still in the transition period until we can get our own place!
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