Well I don't even know how to access my own feelings today. I feel like I want to stay in bed and not talk to anyone. It kind of scares me to be honest because I really used to feel like a person who was good at talking things out. Now i feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I am trying to fit into where I am but I feel like I am just causing more problems for everyone and not adding anything to the family. I can't make any decisions anymore, and I feel like I am 8 years old. I don't have the skills or the insight to make any of this better. I don't feel like there is a safe place to air my emotions, because I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to giggle, and be silly, and have fun. I can't do that if I am unable to even have a simple conversation.

Nothing that has happened has felt like it got REALLY solved. I can see the good side of just putting things past, but it's making me feel incomplete. I can't complete a thought or action. I feel lousy most of the time, I feel disconnected from the person who I love the most in life, and I feel like I am the cause of all of it. I know I have shame and I am trying to figure out how not to let it get the best of me, but I am going down in flames here.

Shame is different from guilt in that it makes you feel like you are worthless, and less of a person than anyone else. Guilt is when you feel bad about something you've DONE but you don't think it is a flaw in your basic being. When someone ignores me, it's not something I can shrug off. When someone treats me like I am nothing, or even inadvertantly fails to acknowledge me, it confirms something in my head that has already told me I am not worth loving. I had mostly gotten over the shame when we were back in the states. It is back full force now that we're here and struggling. I wish I knew how to fix it.

That doesn't give anyone the right to belittle how I am feeling, but maybe can provide an understanding as to my reactions.